Before heading home we returned to YWAM Denver for what is called debrief week and also for graduation. This week absolutely flew past! On our first night back, after three months of crazy busy outreach, we excitedly rushed through reunions before collapsing on the floor of the church we were staying at because new students already filled up the base. Most of us were exhausted, worn out, sick, and overwhelmed with trying to process all the experiences we just had. Not only was debrief week spent sleeping on the floor of a cold church, waking up at 6am every morning, and spending the majority of each day in class, it was also filled with final fun events, welcome home celebrations, and goodbyes to new very dear friends. It was jam-packed, informational, inspirational, draining, emotional, gleeful, sad... pretty much everything BUT restful. Graduation was the absolute definition of bittersweet. There was rejoicing about being back and being able to see family and friends, as well as a real sense of accomplishment in saying that we successfully completed the Discipleship Training School. But there was also some heavy culture shock, heart-breaking farewells, and a deep nervous anticipation of what it would be like to go back to the 'real' world, to everyday, normal, routine life.
I spent the first month back from outreach doing pretty much nothing except sleeping, watching Netflix, and fighting various illnesses. I could barely even look at all the boxes of my possessions. It was just too overwhelming. I kept thinking - "Why do I have so much stuff? I spent five months with just one backpack, I made relationships with beautifully grounded, happy people who have less than even that, so, why on earth do I have so much stuff, and what am I supposed to do with it? I'm just going to go back to bed... WHY IS MY BED NOT A BUNK-BED AND WHY ARE THERE NOT AT LEAST THREE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY ROOM?!"
The second month back I was blessed with the opportunity to visit family and friends for the holidays in New Zealand. I really wanted to enjoy and make the most of this time, but I felt so awkward the whole trip. I wasn't sure how to function appropriately, so I just started malfunctioning, trying to restart and reboot Rachelle 1.0 even though now I am only compatible with Rachelle 2.0. I kept thinking - "What do I even talk about with my friends and family who don't know Jesus? How do I explain the things I have experienced without making them feel uncomfortable or convinced that I belong in a mental health facility? Do I just talk about the old stuff I used to talk about? But I don't even like that stuff anymore... WHO AM I?!"
Now, after three months back, I am finally starting to get legitimately grounded into this next stage of life, with a new job, new church, new ministries, and new friends. It took some time, but God kept shepherding me back onto the right path whenever I started going too far astray or refused to budge. Just like He always does. Don't get me wrong, there were some really cool days during the transition period. A variety of delicious food, hot showers, and full sized towels seem like the most precious of gifts now! I am so appreciative of my family and friends who have been supportive as I readjust. I am also so appreciative of all the blessings and signs that God has revealed to me since being home. He continuously reminds me that He is still right beside me and will always be there. His faithfulness and love are blatantly obvious every time I think of how incredibly stoked I am with my new job, new church, new ministries, and new friends.
Overall, returning and readapting is a process. God has gotten me so far, but I know that if I don't keep surrendering to Him, problems will arise. I want to share the top five struggles I have gone (or am going) through after returning from a missions trip, and the top five silver linings which accompany, and definitely ultimately overshadow, those struggles. Because they aren't really that real.
1. Struggle: "It just looks like you had way too much fun"
A common phrase I have heard since coming home is the above statement. Responses similar to this can range from a simple "how was your traveling," as though the point of outreach was just to go on vacation, or even a very harsh "I wish I had time/money/sponsorship/no responsibilities so I could go have a blast overseas and tell everyone it was for missions work." Not only are these comments very hurtful, but they are also very ignorant.
These remarks usually come from people who haven't asked about what our team actually did, but they have seen some pictures on Facebook. Let me share a little secret with you, A LOT of the stuff we did on outreach was stuff like cleaning, cooking, or laboring outdoors. Everyone on my team is a toilet scrubbing expert at this point. But, it really never seemed necessary to take pictures of a bunch of bathrooms. Also, sometimes it isn't appropriate to take pictures of the people you are ministering to. Outreach is about building relationships, gaining trust, and showing love, not making a group of people feel uncomfortable as you record their lives so the social media world can see how helpful you are.
Furthermore, there are many aspects of outreach that you just can't explain to anyone who wasn't there. Especially when those experiences come from being a whole new person, with a whole new perspective that you know the people questioning you do not have...
Silver Lining: You did have so much fun!
Pretty much everyone I know describes outreach as the hardest and the most amazing experience of their life. While it isn't all just fun, there are plenty of times when it is the absolute most fun! One of the reasons I find it so difficult to hear the 'you had too much fun' comment is because I don't think anyone should feel like having fun is a bad thing! What does the Bible say are the fruits of the Spirit?
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." -Galatians 5:22-23
Joy is a gift we receive when we align our will with God's and walk out in obedience! Each person on my team dedicated their lives to and obeyed God in giving up five months of their lives to do a DTS. God isn't going to honor that obedience by making us miserable the whole time.
Furthermore, everything can be filled with a sense of joy when you know you are doing it with Jesus. He is my best friend after all! I didn't just have 'too much fun' sight-seeing on our days off, playing with kids, petting baby lions, or eating delicious local food. I also had way too much fun doing stuff like cleaning bathrooms, since with each toilet we scrubbed I was laughing with my friends, rapping '31 Status' by Young Chozen, or feeling grateful for how God was working on instilling a servant's heart in me.
Obviously, there are certain times where 'fun' isn't appropriate. Fun can be used to engage or distract people you minister to who are in pain, but you never want them to feel like you are ignoring or belittling what they are doing through. Some of the things we saw absolutely broke my heart. So, in order to overcome that sorrow, and not become completely despondent, it is necessary to remember the Good News, and feel the joy that comes from that. It is all about balance, but there IS room for fun.
Don't just take my word for it, check out this sweet video that the very talented Nicola Easterby made: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOYZDNpZHvA
2. Struggle: Old You vs. New You
I know I have changed, I want everyone to know I have changed, and yet sometimes everyone else just doesn't realize that, or worse, they really oppose that change. There has been this battle between still encouraging my individuality and unique God given character, but also not letting myself compromise or sell out because that is what everyone else is doing or because that is what I used to do. I don't want to hear "you changed man, you used to be cool" but I do want to hear "wow, it is so cool seeing how you have grown." But, as long as I keep shaping my identity based on what other people are saying, it isn't my true identity. I can never just be the old me either, because after what I learned and what I saw, my expectations are suddenly at a completely different level...
Silver Lining: You are discovering your true identity in Christ!
As I dealt with the old me vs. new me struggle, God gave me a verse that really helped refocus my perspective:
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -Galatians 1:10
Every time I start getting stressed about who I am, I read this verse and I remember that my identity is not based on pleasing people, but listening to God who tells me what my true identity is. When I am unsure about a situation, I ask my Father in Heaven what the answer is and He guides me. Just when I think I have it figured out, a new scenario pops up and I realize that I don't entirely know myself, but God does, and I know He will continue to reveal that true identity to me as time goes on.
3. Struggle: Expectations vs. Reality
Before coming home I had all these super duper awesome ideas in my head of how things were going to be and how everything was going to be so incredible as I shared all the new knowledge and wisdom I gained while being away. My thought process went something like this: "Man, everything I do is going to be different, and I am just going to be hardcore living for Jesus all day everyday so everyone around me will want to as well! I know how to handle all my old problems and sin now!" Then about a week later I was already messing up and doing all the things I was convinced I knew better about. My expectations were very different to the reality, which is that even when you have changed, you still have years of experience with old habits and reactions, so it might take awhile for those changes to come into play. Again, it is a gradual process not an instant one. Unlike the past however, I couldn't just brush over these mess-ups or tell myself that they weren't that big of deal. I can't just get used to or settle for that reality because I know what going truly above and beyond with Jesus looks like now.
Silver Lining: You don't have to worry about becoming complacent or bored!
God loves it when we lean on Him and have to ask Him for help, as opposed to just doing things ourselves. Just as with my identity, it will be a life long process to make my new life goal a reality. And I know I am not alone in needing all that time!
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prizefor which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14
Rather than becoming complacent and thinking that I don't need God, I know I need Him more and more everyday. I also know that He will always be there! At times I get upset because I haven't reached the place I think I should be at, but that is when God tells me to throw away my time expectations and remember that His timing is perfect. The goal is to be transformed from selfish human being into a more Christ like son or daughter. Achieving full, rich, true, lasting character growth requires more work. Sort of like coffee. You may have to drive awhile, wait in a long line, watch the barista go through all the little steps with various machines to prepare your drink, and then you spend extra time adding anything you like to add and waiting for it to be the right temperature, but that cup always tastes so much better than just settling for the instant kind. I don't want to be the instant coffee equivalent of a person, so I rejoice in letting God continue to do His work in me!
4. Struggle: Being Wrecked for the Ordinary
When I first started my DTS I heard a number of leaders around the base say that after this experience we would all be 'wrecked for the ordinary.' I very much liked this idea, because it my mind ordinary means boring and I don't consider myself to be a boring person. What I never really considered though was the fact that being totally wrecked for the ordinary can actually be a very difficult thing, because a lot of life is ordinary. It is ordinary for a human being to just want to go about their routine, get their to-do list done, and not be interrupted by God or anyone else calling them to something greater. As much as I wish I could say that I am always ready and excited to reach out and drop everything when God calls me to, there are plenty of times where I just want be left alone and try to argue that all this 'stuff' I need to get done is more important. But that doesn't satisfy me anymore. Doing life just for me leaves me feeling empty, guilty, sad, and purposeless.
One of the biggest things I have been wrecked for is living individually. Doing life with twelve other people 24/7 for three months straight is not an ordinary thing, and there were definitely times when it was exceptionally challenging. However, whereas before I was a total introvert who dreaded the idea of having even one roommate, since returning from outreach I want that sharing and support back so bad!
Silver Lining: You see the extraordinary in the ordinary!
Traveling all over the world, experiencing a variety of different cultures, witnessing healings and other miracles, it is easy to see how all these things are extraordinary. But now even everyday life can be extraordinary to me, if I am willing, obedient, and do not harden my heart. I am glad to no longer be so unaware of what is going on right in front of me. Ignorance may sometimes be easier, but the Bible makes it very clear that being in a state of ignorance is not ideal.
I am glad that I now see life through a new lens, that I can ask God for His perspective and get a piece of His heart for the people and activities going on around me. I want to live everyday for Jesus and continuously remember the declaration I made when I was baptized; that my life is not my own. Everyday I pray and cry out to God, asking Him to help me fight and overcome my selfish desire to return to my old ways of ignorance. Truly, better is one day in the presence of God, than thousands spent turned away from Him with a hardened heart. His presence highlights the beauty in the smallest things you may normally overlook and reveals wonderful happenings that you would never see with your own eyes. For there is nothing ordinary about God. He is always doing something extraordinary.
5. Struggle: Missing People
I don't think this struggle needs much explanation. The people I did DTS with seriously, 100% are like brothers and sisters to me now, the best kind of family I ever imagined. If I was scientifically/mathematically inclined I think I would spend all my free time trying to build a teleportation devise just so I could casually see them all the time again.
Silver Lining: You have new life long supportive friends!
Every time I start to think that no one understands and that I am all alone in the world, someone from DTS will text me or post something on Facebook and PHEW! turns out they are going through the same thing! With the technology we have today, even if I don't get to see the people I miss in person, it is super easy to reach out to them when the struggle does start to get too real. Those same people I miss so much are there to remind me that the experiences we had were real. Those same people I miss so much ensure that those experiences won't just fade away or be forgotten. Those same people I miss so much are there to hold me accountable to promises I made God during our journey. Missing people isn't such a bad thing when you know that it means you have true friends out there and have made everlasting relationships with truly amazing people!
It is never easy ending a chapter of your life, especially when it is one as incredible as the adventure I just returned from. Luckily though, I have a God who offers awesome promises and always keeps them. I know that He is only going to continue to blow my mind with more beautiful, life changing discoveries, lessons, and memories as time goes on. For this next season I will have a new blog that will be launching on Valentine's Day 2015. Please check it out! https://flowerchildministries.wordpress.com
Glory to God for this amazing opportunity! May He bless each one of you, on each of your own journeys, too! Thank you for reading!
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